QUICK DISCLAIMER: Guyana is a vastly diverse place so this is not an accurate depiction of what the entire country is like. This is just my specific experience.
It’s true what they say, you do learn a lot about yourself in Peace Corps. Not only do you have a lot of time to yourself, but you’ll be placed in circumstances and communities that are drastically different than environments you’re used to thriving in. And in them, I think you’ll find that it’s difficult to be yourself, sometimes forcing you to figure it out if you haven’t already.
I never used to identify as an introvert. But when I look back, it’s pretty clear that I’ve been one my whole life. Perhaps I’ve just been too ashamed to admit it. It’s easy to feel that way when my personality is often misunderstood. It hurts me when people call me a loner or mock me when they ask if I’d wanna live alone in the middle of an empty field, far away from any civilization. None of this is true.
For those who know me can probably agree that I’m not shy, but I’m pretty soft-spoken. I was never the student that raised her hand in class or the first to sign up for anything. I spent a lot of time in coffee shops (or really anywhere) by myself just because. I don’t always like being the center of attention and I often feel awkward in big groups. I’ll go to large extravaganzas, but you’ll have to give me the next week to recover from it. I’m often afraid of appearing “full of myself” and insecure about my talents. And I spend a ridiculous amount of time writing my thoughts out.
It’s been a lifetime struggle for me to be ok with these things and it didn’t get any easier when I moved to Guyana.
When I joined Peace Corps, I felt like in order to be successful I had to be a specific type of volunteer. An always enthusiastic, energetic, eager super human. And I’ll tell you now, it is impossible for both introverts and extroverts to be this type of volunteer; but your communities, counterparts, and colleagues won’t always understand that.
In the beginning of my service, I learned that the working environment at my hospital is either speak up or get stepped on. I often felt weak and incompetent because I don’t have a dominating personality like many of my colleagues. No one would actually say, “Mel, you look stupid right now because you’re not loud enough.” But I have had someone order me to speak. Yikes. I was advised to strengthen my iron hand and harshen my voice if I were to see anything get done. I agreed and although it was for my benefit, their advice made me feel like who I was won’t ever work here. It was defeating, annoying, and aggravating.
I have often felt like society has placed bravery, courage, and power so out of reach for introverts. I used to beat myself up believing I could never be any of those things. But here’s the truth:
I am introverted. I am quiet. I am soft spoken.
AND I am brave. I am courageous. I am worthy.
All in my own way.
I felt it was important to not use the word “but” as if they were some sort of exceptions. Many introverts have done brave, courageous things in this world and it’s been good for me to start looking up to them instead of awesome people I can’t relate to.
St. Teresa of Calcutta
They are all women who are/were their total introverted-selves and change/d the world.
I think it’s easy to feel inadequate for who we are when we’re submerged in a new culture. This challenge really hindered me from feeling comfortable and confident in my capabilities as a PCV.
But once I began to love the way I choose to do things, I found more power within myself and freer to accomplish what I want just the way I am. It’s been a long process learning where in my timid nature do I find the power to be brave, courageous, and worthy but I did. I found that my input never fuels anyone’s fire; that some people appreciate that I didn’t come storming into the kitchen thinking I knew everything; and that my ability to listen and observe longer has allowed me to better problem solve. And while I’m seeing that being an introvert has helped me in some ways, it’s also caused me to fail too.
So from one introvert to another, it’s important to remind yourself it’s ok to be a little more behind the scenes or a little wallflower in society. You can be in your room for days and it doesn’t make you a loner. You can be quiet, shy, soft spoken and still be a bad ass. In fact, you ARE a bad ass and you have all the power within yourself already to contribute to something big in this world. We just gotta realize it and set it free.